David Brooks wrote a recent column directed at recent college graduates, or at those who were trying to understand our quandary. He surmised that part of the confusion stemmed from our nation’s obsession with finding a passion, following a dream, doing things that allowed us to open up the book of self-discovery. We are a generation who’s been monitored, directed, encouraged and mentored to an unprecedented degree, he writes. We were guided through the maze of growing up at every turn and dead-end.

That maze didn’t end as we expected. We exited our educations into a larger one, with innumerable twists and turns, and this time with no counsel from our elders except for to find ourselves. Brooks disagrees, arguing that fulfillment in life comes from losing oneself instead, into a task one has discovered to be important enough to build a career around.

Both schools share the same problem. What are we supposed to do between now and when we find, or lose, ourselves?

It can’t be an instantaneous thing. The manipulation of the perception of the self, especially as it transforms into one that is fulfilled, must be a process. After all, my passions and dreams are different now than they were when I was four years younger. These also become different as I grow to be four years older. And all this doesn’t comment on the changing world we’re living in. The problems we face that need fixing are dynamic ones. Our awareness of them is dynamic as well.

Our carefully choreographed youths have led us to expect that there will be an answer for us now as we strike out on our own. We were raised on a system of means and ends. Study to get the grade. Practice to make the team. We built confidence in our abilities only so far as they were attached to a final achievement. We were dealt soundbites like “winning isn’t everything,” “just do your best,” and “A for effort.” But only those whose efforts led to success were glorified. They were hoisted atop the shoulders of “Gifted and Talented” programs, they were recognized in school assemblies, their parents poured more and more money into their athletic and academic careers so that achievement might be maximized.

We gained confidence in ourselves as achievers, but not in ourselves as beings. In doing so we lost sight of all the times in between achievement when we must find fulfillment in neither means nor ends, but simply in doing, in living.

I’ve come to believe that all this stress we feel about finding jobs and growing up comes from this notion that we must be found or lost, and do it just once. That’s a lot of pressure to do it right the first time. The first step toward a life a fulfillment is to lighten up a little. To have confidence that you’ll be able to figure some things out now, and if they don’t happen to be the right things, you’ll be able to pick up the pieces and keep on figuring.

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